it is just a feeling.

i, feel, so, damn, tired.
it's like, i never felt that fatigue before. it's like, i just got back from a war, an intense war.
this post will be the longest post of mine.

since the day i born, let me rephrase it, since the day the matureness hit me, i have been given lots of loves, caring and even time to my family member. i, keep on changing and now, i have decided to stop, stop for a while in order to take a deep breathe.

sometimes, in fact, i do realize, selfish could be applied on me. i think, it's normal to have this kind of thought. *nodded head*  the moment i could no longer stand, the moment i feel like i'm like a rage tiger just out of the cage or whatsoever, i could have the most evil thought, ever.

i remember the date of birthday of my family members, each of them. i'm just a girl, who keen to give surprise on their birthdays just to assist them to exercise their hearts *giggling* the main reason is to give them the most unforgettable ones. i would have planned the programs or, i would have bought their favourite cakes. everyone says, if the sun rises, there will be sun sets too.

referring to the last few posts of mine, i said, birthday doesn't mean everything. and yes, i meant it. my bf went into hospital on my birthday, i have to remind my family member to wish me on my birthday, i have to hug lots of notes to ready for my exam on my birthday. so, what's the point of having birthdayyyyyyyy.

i attempted to ask myself, i care, i love and i take care of them, each of them, what would i get in return. keep asking, what would be. complicated and weird feeling would have just checked in by themselves. i never allowed them to enter into my areas. i feel, so unwanted, unprotected, unloved.

to be frank, i feel so annoy whenever my little sister weeps for the same thing over and over again. really fed up. in contrast, i weep, for my family, over and over again.

my mother is just like a heroine for me, always. to take care of 3 babies at the same time and grow them up isn't an easy job to women, and she made it. i cried when she cried, i worried when she fell sick, i would have brought her to consult doctor when she's not feeling well. i help her to do those houseworks just to avoid her from fatiguing. however, i feel like, the relationship among us, is getting worse and worse. i just hope, she will not aim the arrow on the person i loved, seriously.

i tried to do everything, just to please her from being mad or whatsoever. but i realized, it's not working at all. my little sister did the same thing as the one i loved but she didn't give her a lesson. what i need is, just, a, reason. i assume, or perhaps, conclude that, nobody would have just stopped and thought of my situation, my difficulties, my sorrow. yes, i'm mad, even glum for whatever that i have done but it's not working, at all. then what's the point for me to keep doing it? answer please.

everyone needs love, needs caring, so do i. i have been doing stuff for others, and i wonder, when will be my turn, tell me, when. i'm not asking too much, perhaps, i just, need, more cares from my family, seriously. i might be a majordomo for them, yet it's different for me, it's the way i show my caring towards them.

dear family, 

i love you.