if you do.

listening to marry you - bruno mars, and here is the sense for me to keep typing.

6th Jan 2010

a boy was late for the orientation class, every pairs of eyes were staring at him, included me. i couldn't tell who was he at the moment but he was way too familiar for me. he missed the part of introducing ourselves as requested by the lecturer, hence, nobody knew his name.

the moment the lecturer look through the name list, his name caught the lecturer's curiosity. 

 'who is seelik?',  the lecturer asked. and then he raised his hand. i turned my head back the moment he raised up his hand, and then i was like, 'oh, it's him!'  

he, therefore, went on to introduce himself. he was told that i was from the same town with his as well. when class dismissed, he came forward and talked to me, i admitted that i was pretty nervous at that time. i was way too nervous and then i just walked away without saying goodbye. AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA. sorry.

he sat behind me on the next day of classes, as usual, he talked so much with the girl beside him -.- 

he sat beside me on the third day of classes, and, finally we talked, in a normal manner. he asked me to go for lunch with him and i gave him a yes. i still couldn't get myself to believe that i had gone out with a guy, who i only knew for 2 days, for movies right after classes. blahhhhh.

as time goes by, we started to go everywhere together, even studied at the library right after classes. we hanged out, we had our meals, we spent our weekends, hmm, ya, with each other. however, something had gone wrong, and he changed abruptly. 

he refused to talk to me, and hence i was forced to take meals or do stuffs all by myself. i could no longer stand for it, and i texted him to ask about what's wrong with him. and ohhh, finally, i got the answer. it made me pretty confused and it's more of like, ecstatic? and it had changed everything, everything.

4th April 2010
it's the day, the day that our statuses shown as in a relationship, secretly.

baby, we had gone through so much in our life. i never thought of will be meeting you in my life. though you're not good in telling me those beautiful words, still, i found myself living in the wonderland and never thought of walking out from this. 

hey, baby, i think, i wanna marry you.

back to home.

i'm back and i'm so fatigueeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, waiting for the photos to be uploaded and enjoyyyy ;)))

weeee ;)

i'm flying soonnnnnnn. byeeeeeeeeeeeee.

gilaaaaa.

be responsible as you're an adult. you don't just ignore people like that when you knew it's the time to face the issue, you got no guts, i assume, it's not that i want to be racist, it's the way you did made me thought that you're shit. bye.

note.

a note, to you.

sometimes, i feel like i'm unwanted and unprotected. i feel like i'm the only one who is taking every words of yours serious, instead of as a joke. maybe, perhaps, you would have felt that i'm a mean girl, a girl who acts as a majordomo and orders everyone to do everything in the way that i wanted to, hell, my bad, my apology. well, baby, i don't even get the chance to wish on my birthday the moment i blew the candles on the cake. my birthday wish would be, please be nice to me even though i'm a big fat enormous teenager, i just need/want a person to be there when i feel like vomiting out of my shitttttttts from my hearttttt. 

cruelllllllllll.

i'm seeking for someone to talk to, but there's nobody i could run to, nobody, even my family. i wept, i depressed, all by myself, i'm afraid of being lonely and now, i'm alone, how ridiculous. just admit it, this world, is cruel enough to make me strong. 

;333

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY 

i might not be as lucky as you all, yet, i'm lucky enough to have others act as a father and taking care of us, always. thus, i'm glad.

i smiled, at last.

there is something that i need to utter, which is from the bottom of my heart, 


thank you, mr.wong min fung :)))))))))) 

why don't you judge it.

i've been brought down to my knees

and i've been pushed way past the point of breaking

but i can take it

i'll be back

back on my feet

there is far from over

you haven't seen the last of me

i, seriously have to admit that times are hard, indeed. and to be frank, there is something else inside me, telling me that, i'm not supposed to face all of these bullshits at my age, well, seems like i'm wrong, totally wrong. issues or problems won't choose the perfect timing for you to handle according to your age, they'll just show up, and say hello. 

i usually don't cry in front of my friends when there is a tiny issue surrounding me, i only weep like a baby when i could barely breathe and i could sense the sign of insanity is trying to approach. yes, i do realized that, everyone is selfish, even our parents, i assume. 

if, there is a chance for me, i would, and i will, take the opportunity and running towards it, instead of worrying so much about others but not me, myself. and i think, i won't, ask for all of you to forgive me for being selfish, no, i won't. just like our parents, sometimes, they do need a space for themselves to have a whale of time with their loved ones instead of facing their children shouting ' papa, mama, i want to poo poo '

i, personally think that, it's too far from talking about the future, which is uncertain, to know what would have happened in the future, nobody knows. my bf always show me his cold shoulder when i'm attempting to talk about our future, and now, i understand why. it's not important to talk about, how many children we want to have, how's our wedding going to be or how's our house going to be look like, at all. in contrast, it's important to take a look at yourself, how are you doing right now. 

it's not because of we don't love each other so much and it's definitely not because of we don't have faith in each other. it's because, environment changes people, don't you think so? i'm living with my bf, and we always say to each other that we don't look like a couple, instead, an old man and woman will be much suitable to describe us. we never really dress us up and go out for dating, no, never, a t shirt and a short pant will do. 

i always thought that i could, and i can take good care of myself when my family isn't around , no, it doesn't seem that way. without them, i would have collapsed, like seriously. i do believe that, there is someone else, at the other corner of the earth, feels exactly what i feel now, desperately seeking for protection and hoping stay in the warm arms and never wanted to leave. 

it is just a feeling.

i, feel, so, damn, tired.
it's like, i never felt that fatigue before. it's like, i just got back from a war, an intense war.
this post will be the longest post of mine.

since the day i born, let me rephrase it, since the day the matureness hit me, i have been given lots of loves, caring and even time to my family member. i, keep on changing and now, i have decided to stop, stop for a while in order to take a deep breathe.

sometimes, in fact, i do realize, selfish could be applied on me. i think, it's normal to have this kind of thought. *nodded head*  the moment i could no longer stand, the moment i feel like i'm like a rage tiger just out of the cage or whatsoever, i could have the most evil thought, ever.

i remember the date of birthday of my family members, each of them. i'm just a girl, who keen to give surprise on their birthdays just to assist them to exercise their hearts *giggling* the main reason is to give them the most unforgettable ones. i would have planned the programs or, i would have bought their favourite cakes. everyone says, if the sun rises, there will be sun sets too.

referring to the last few posts of mine, i said, birthday doesn't mean everything. and yes, i meant it. my bf went into hospital on my birthday, i have to remind my family member to wish me on my birthday, i have to hug lots of notes to ready for my exam on my birthday. so, what's the point of having birthdayyyyyyyy.

i attempted to ask myself, i care, i love and i take care of them, each of them, what would i get in return. keep asking, what would be. complicated and weird feeling would have just checked in by themselves. i never allowed them to enter into my areas. i feel, so unwanted, unprotected, unloved.

to be frank, i feel so annoy whenever my little sister weeps for the same thing over and over again. really fed up. in contrast, i weep, for my family, over and over again.

my mother is just like a heroine for me, always. to take care of 3 babies at the same time and grow them up isn't an easy job to women, and she made it. i cried when she cried, i worried when she fell sick, i would have brought her to consult doctor when she's not feeling well. i help her to do those houseworks just to avoid her from fatiguing. however, i feel like, the relationship among us, is getting worse and worse. i just hope, she will not aim the arrow on the person i loved, seriously.

i tried to do everything, just to please her from being mad or whatsoever. but i realized, it's not working at all. my little sister did the same thing as the one i loved but she didn't give her a lesson. what i need is, just, a, reason. i assume, or perhaps, conclude that, nobody would have just stopped and thought of my situation, my difficulties, my sorrow. yes, i'm mad, even glum for whatever that i have done but it's not working, at all. then what's the point for me to keep doing it? answer please.

everyone needs love, needs caring, so do i. i have been doing stuff for others, and i wonder, when will be my turn, tell me, when. i'm not asking too much, perhaps, i just, need, more cares from my family, seriously. i might be a majordomo for them, yet it's different for me, it's the way i show my caring towards them.

dear family, 

i love you. 

beeebooo beeboooo

F8 is on the day after tomorrow, so, people, wish me luck, seriously, need your luck. 

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