the hole on 4th.

this is supposed to be published 2 days ago and yet i didn't even have the courage to hit the 'publish' button instead.

so, it's 4th of april, again. it's been exactly a year, or more than that. people have been asking me, why i'm still lingering on the previous ones and too bad, i couldn't even spit a word. it ain't about moving on thou, it's about the timing and the right person that you happened to bump into somewhere, like nowhere.

trust me, i did try to open up and let some of them to know me better, or deeper. *sounds so wrong* okay nevermind. haha. but whenever it hit some point in the middle, i, took my steps back, slowly. cause' i couldn't even find the feelings, anymore. the feelings that i used to have towards him.

after knowing some of the couples broke up even after being together for like 98294901 years, i, couldn't tell what's love after all. i knew, it ain't easy for all of us. the effort to maintain the relationship, the effort to make love burn again like we first met, the effort..... so tiring, yet tempting.

so this guy came into my life, with no warning. didn't have much feelings towards him on the first day we met. i think, ignorance would be the best description for the situation. so this guy started to date me out and it's so obvious that i couldn't lie to myself that he's actually just wanted to make friend with me. perhaps, he's really just wanted to make friends instead. haha *who knows* ;-)

after hanging out with this guy for like, few times. my feelings towards him can actually be like a switch. on and off on and off. pfffttttt. to be honest, i hate playing games as in, mind games. i don't like it, at all.

so we stopped to call/text each other for months. and i actually miss him. so i picked up the phone and pressed his number. our conversation started with an awkward hello then it continued for the next 2 hours.

so this guy finally asked a question that i'm always afraid to hear - would be you be my girl.

i stoned for a while and threw him a no, after a deep consideration, very deep thou. it ain't about trying to place myself up to the level that he couldn't reach, just the timing issue. the damn timing issue.

what's heartbreak?

heartbreak is lying on your bathroom floor, 

trying your damn hardest to breathe while at the same time

wondering why it all went wrong,

and how you're gonna get up and pretend everything is all right,

and what the hell are you going to do about the hole in your chest.

yep, that's heartbreak.