take me away

been so grumpy lately. pffttttt. just couldnt lie to myself anymore. im not okay, totally not okay. something is eating me up and i cant tell whats that something. been ranting, complaining about the same thing recently and i guess there's one and only solution to solve it which it will never happen sooner or later.

some of the people out there tend to mistake my silence as ignorance. and there's nothing i can do about it but suck it up. still trying so hard to find a way out.

guess im good in disgusing aite?

goodnight.

short love note

you don't need someone to complete you, you need someone to accept you completely instead.

it's been half of the years from the moment we met and i still wanted to walk the rest of the journey with this man, without a doubt.

dear 小庆,

           i thank you for being so patience with me whenever i throw my bad temper on you, i thank you for being so considerate whenever i rant about the little thing, i thank you for being so understanding whenever everyone out there does not get the picture right, and most of all, i thank you for giving me your heart and having faith in me, for all these whiles.

           being in love with you is the happiest thing that i've ever done. you might question me with those past relationships of mine. yes, of course, i was happy with them too. but you tend to forget about the fact that, i am the happiest woman because of you. you are the one who could do that, the only one. so let's forget the past and create our memories instead :)

           i am letting the flow to run away so i guess i will stop here :p whatever it is, just remember that,

i adore you, forever

you and i.

so i had a tough day yesterday and tried so hard not to show any expressions on my entire frame. what i needed at that particular jiffy was a hug/text from the loved ones. but heard nothing from the man and it was the time sentimental started to grow and lots of doubts crawling in, just like the ants squeezing out through the tiny hole. lost my concentration and all and i just stared at my laptop, working papers and went blank.

i was actually afraid of something tragic would transpire between both of us and i just couldnt stop myself from imagining too much. thats habit thou, not good. so the moment i decided to keep my mobile phone aside and focus on what i was supposed to finish, it didnt take long for the text coming in from the man and saying,

"the only reason that i have been ignoring your texts was because i was beating the traffic jam and coming over all the way and look where i am now baby. i knew you are unhappy today and a tight hug is all you needed now. see you in a bit"

trust me, nobody knows me better than him, nobody. not even me, myself. i actually felt guilty for letting the faith that i have in him wobbled for a sec. silly thought, ever. at that particular jiffy, something slapped me so hard. i realized, i aint looking for branded handbags, heels, clothes, unnecessary wanted things and etc. no, i want none of the single things except the man, whom could not be valued at all, cause' he is priceless afterall.

i fell hard last time and i wont allow myself to fall, again. can hear criticism and rumors going on, still. but haters, what goes around comes around. watch me, and try me. aint going to give a shit on you all judgements/criticism, at all (:

happy,
cause' im happy,
happy that im given the chance to know you,
the only chance that i might let it slip,
this time,
i wont let go,
till the time you ask me to.

5 months, counting still ♥

afraid of falling, again.

laying down on the bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to the sound coming out from the man. the way he snores is the best lullaby for me but it just doesnt work on me tonight, just tonight. heart is beating so fast abruptly and my face goes red. dare not to move an inch cause' afraid my movements might wake the man up. at this particular jiffy, im lost.

i started to question myself, am i on the right path. is this what i wanted for all these while. recalling the first day i got into this field and i actually felt excited about it. and now, i dont know whats the feelings, anymore. numb, i guess. been telling the closed ones but nobody listens. all i got is 'be tough, hang in there', take it or leave it. pffttttttt

im well aware that even chocolate, sugar, candies and etc have their own expiry dates and now, i feel like im going downhill, in everything. perhaps,im just being too sentimental and my emotional got controlled and it screw it up, screw everything up. still can feel the pain whenever everyone is trying to dig in, digging into the dark side of mine which i have been trying so hard to hide it from everyone.

a squeeze on his lips would cure everything, every single things. but i knew that at some point, someday, the strong feelings embedded within us are gonna fade in a way, slowly. aint taking the negative thoughts, realistic instead. nobody could resist the temptation out there, nobody. till then, im afraid of falling, again.

meant for you.

staring at this page for quite a time and i didnt know what to type at all till the video hit me, so much. guess i owe my man a confirmation.

 

was scrolling through the news feed and the video popped out in front of my eyes abruptly. it took me so hard and so long to press the play button. to be frank, i thought the video would make my heart sank, again. yet it proved me wrong. i, finally learnt the one and only thing from the video. he deserves a woman who loves him more than me. and i, deserve a man whom i will love with all of my heart. i found the man now and he met his. its difficult to let the past go but im happier than i thought when i decided to draw a fullstop on the previous ones.

 

the man, whom im comfortably staying with now,  is the best gift of the year, ever. by recalling how we met on the first day still giving me butterfly in my stomach. i have to admit that i tried to hide this relationship from everyone including my family at the first place, and i knew that you werent feeling good at that particular jiffy. trust me, the remorse is eating me up slowly back then.

they once said, you dont get to meet the right ones if you still lingering on the wrong person. and now, i can then declare that he's the one - the special ones. the little things that you've done have trully melted my heart, day by day.

 

 

 

the raining day
its around 8pm at that night and i was starving after a long day at work. he got me up from the office and headed to dinner. its was pouring like cats and dogs and the rain drops were dancing freely on our table and eventually jumped on our faces. he saw the frown on my face and he got the umbrella and opened it and put it on our table to stop the rain drops from dancing too wild but everyone eyed at him for doing so. after few secs, he excused for going to the washroom and i waited. a cup of hot vanilla was handed to me the moment i turned my head around. he's half soaked and still, he gave me his radiant smile and said, 'baby girl, here's the drink to keep you warm'. trust me, i nearly sob at that moment.

 

the 23rd birthday
didnt know how long he had been planning for those events but without a doubt, he's the most lovely and caring man in this world, for me at least :)
he got me up from work and sent me home for a quick shower. it didnt take me long to realise that he's gone the moment i stepped out from my washroom. a call from him saying get ready and dinner at 8pm. it took about 20mins time to get to the restaurant. he went to the rear of his car and surprised me with a bouquet of red roses. trust me, receiving such a beautiful roses was the first time in my life. we also went for a short getaway and the trip was awesome! he succeeded in making me felt like im the princess afterall *smirk* :)

the lovely breakfast
he's keen to wake me up by giving me a morning call and telling me its gonna be a good day and give it the best. the breakfast would be served on the table after i have washed up and everything. looking at his back and eyeing at his serious look in preparing the breakfast for me - believe me, you would beg no more.

dear alan,

 

'you have done so many things for me and im afraid of not being good enough to you in terms of appearance, body shape and so on. you are the best gift in my life and i would not ask for more. handing over my future to you would not take me more than a sec to decide. just so you know, you are the most amazing guy and im addicted to you, already. lets hold it together till the day you watch me walk towards you on the aisle and say, yes i do my love'

 

 

love,
elle

dear alan.

i didnt know how, i didnt know when, and i didnt know when either. everything just started in a click, a real quick ones.

dear alan,

                 holding your hands tight and telling the world that you are the man actually took me lots of courage, lots of consideration, i really meant, a lot. i knew it aint easy for me, aint easy for you too. and theres some point that i almost let you slip, slip through that hole again.

                 you've seen the dark sides of me, but you chose to stay with me. you've seen all of the flaws of me, yet you chose to embrace them, all of them. and thats the one and only reason i chose you, too. i've been in a deep shit for months and i secretly knew that you were in a same situation too *smirk* but somehow, i found the light in you.

                  i, actually love lying next to you and telling you the stories over and over again and it same goes to your stories. i wouldnt say your stories are the best or the worst, but it actually takes me into your heart slowly, and explore it bit by bit. never felt such a deep feelings since then. wouldnt say my heart died, just stop beating. and now, you're making it beats, again.

                  aint going to brag about how lucky i am to bump into such a lovely man, but i couldnt help it. haha :) who would wake up earlier just to make sure im well awake and get ready for work? who would walk me to the car and open the door for me just to make sure everything is safe and sound? who would take me hunt for good foods for every weekends? who would be there for me in a sec when i step into hiccups in works? who would treat my family members like his own? but most importantly, who would do all of these things, for everyday? im talking about, everyday ♥

                    i knew its pretty funny for how we started. but i really like the way we stare at each other and giggle without a reason. thats happiness which i've been looking for since then. thank you for having faith in me even after i revealed all of the flaws right in front of you. and dont you worry that your little heart would break again, cause' the girl whos writing this post is going to sew it back, back to what it meant to be ♥

                      the way our stories unfold is yet to be told. but im pretty sure that we both can make it, slowly cause' you are the only exception, afterall.

love,
elle

the hole on 4th.

this is supposed to be published 2 days ago and yet i didn't even have the courage to hit the 'publish' button instead.

so, it's 4th of april, again. it's been exactly a year, or more than that. people have been asking me, why i'm still lingering on the previous ones and too bad, i couldn't even spit a word. it ain't about moving on thou, it's about the timing and the right person that you happened to bump into somewhere, like nowhere.

trust me, i did try to open up and let some of them to know me better, or deeper. *sounds so wrong* okay nevermind. haha. but whenever it hit some point in the middle, i, took my steps back, slowly. cause' i couldn't even find the feelings, anymore. the feelings that i used to have towards him.

after knowing some of the couples broke up even after being together for like 98294901 years, i, couldn't tell what's love after all. i knew, it ain't easy for all of us. the effort to maintain the relationship, the effort to make love burn again like we first met, the effort..... so tiring, yet tempting.

so this guy came into my life, with no warning. didn't have much feelings towards him on the first day we met. i think, ignorance would be the best description for the situation. so this guy started to date me out and it's so obvious that i couldn't lie to myself that he's actually just wanted to make friend with me. perhaps, he's really just wanted to make friends instead. haha *who knows* ;-)

after hanging out with this guy for like, few times. my feelings towards him can actually be like a switch. on and off on and off. pfffttttt. to be honest, i hate playing games as in, mind games. i don't like it, at all.

so we stopped to call/text each other for months. and i actually miss him. so i picked up the phone and pressed his number. our conversation started with an awkward hello then it continued for the next 2 hours.

so this guy finally asked a question that i'm always afraid to hear - would be you be my girl.

i stoned for a while and threw him a no, after a deep consideration, very deep thou. it ain't about trying to place myself up to the level that he couldn't reach, just the timing issue. the damn timing issue.

what's heartbreak?

heartbreak is lying on your bathroom floor, 

trying your damn hardest to breathe while at the same time

wondering why it all went wrong,

and how you're gonna get up and pretend everything is all right,

and what the hell are you going to do about the hole in your chest.

yep, that's heartbreak.

Ranting, again.

i fell, again. was trying to look for someone to actually calm me down. when i tried to turn around, nobody's there, nobody. been asking myself to curl my lips as everything will be okay, soon. im actually tired of everything, everything - life.

till then, i only realised that, everyone would prefer to spend his/her time with their bf/gf instead of family/friend. fuck this theory. im gonna head to bed and suck it up.

goodnight.

those words.

i am praying for a better day for almost every nights, the nights before i snug into the warm blanket of mine. i actually think that im good enough in handling everything, everything as in...everything? guess that im wrong for this time, so so wrong.

i used to be a badass back to those days and im not gonna deny it thou. i didnt know since when that i've changed. just didnt know, at all. the little ones in the house have been telling me how tough i am when compared to her. the eldest ones have been telling me how mature i've becoming.

i used to throw my temper out on everyone when i was in anger. now, no more. i would swallow it up, all of them. thats the reason for me in becoming tougher and mature. but they somehow, tend to forget that im not the woman of steel, not at all.

i hate you
i apologize for what i've done back to those days and if telling me that you hate me would make you feel better, i deserve it then.

saying sorry doesnt mean you would be forgiven
i have been helping/be there for you whenever you needed me and i never missed, not even once. just one mistake and you pushed me to the corner and let the remorse swallowing me up. thats hurt, indeed.

i dont love you anymore
telling me being friend with me is the only best solution for both of us. been trying to ignore/let go of you. but why coming back just for your own advantages? you knew that i would do everything for you without saying no. why. 

those words, like a knife, cut me deep in the heart of mine.