collapsed, completely.

its been a while. i thought i can let go, completely letting it go. guess that i'm wrong. i can't, just can't do it. i thought i would keep it aside by focusing on my works. no, it's just can't. i collapsed, again. there's nobody i can reach, nobody. 

the-dark-side

read through the old posts last night. and my heart stop beating for a sec. it's more of like, someone is grabbing it, so hard and doesn't have any intention to let it go and continue beating. and i couldn't even tell whats my feelings anymore. laying on my bed, listening to the songs and my mind goes blank. i wish i could say, allow me to sleep forever. nehhhhhhhhhh.

dear, 

    i might not be perfect, ain't trying to be perfect either. just so you know, i never leave, never. even u have tried so hard to poke me, even u made me bent down so low till i couldn't find my dignity anymore, i chose to stay. and no regrets. still waiting. 

part of the broken pieces.

'hey, hurry up! we're gonna be late!', i said.
'alright, alright. take it easy. we are just gonna be late -.-', he said.

as the wind blew, my hair got messy and i scowled.

'why you wanted to tight your eyebrows together everyday? you look so pretty with your smile on. did anyone owe you money or something?, he grinned and continued walking. i paused my steps and looked at him. he looked back and threw me his impatience face. then, i gave him the most radiant smile of mine the moment he eyed at me.

'look at you! how beautiful!', i let my tongue out and walked towards him and held his hand so tight. our eyes nearly popped out from its sockets as we approached the short-cut path to our university. it's all flooded. i was wearing jeans and he was wearing knee-length pant.

i attempted to find a way to get across this flooded path cause' i didn't want my jeans to get wet, not even my flip-flop. he shook his head and turned around and grabbed me with his arms. i was blank at that particular jiffy and i almost screech, almost. he asked me not to talk not to laugh with his nasty tone as i was too heavy for him to carry. and i was like -.- okayyyyyyy whatever

without a doubt, i melted, totally melted for his action. cause' it was like the first time i felt i was too overwhelmed with love, a little too overwhelming :) he went back to his i-don't-care-attitude after he put me down. and i got a little annoyed with that. i was like, what was that, two faces bf? kiddinggggggg :)

now, you are getting thinner and i'm trying to catch up with you so that you would carry me up without using too much strength. i know, i'm stupid. and perhaps you might get annoyed when you read this. sorry.

love you, always.

If only.

i ain't being dramatic. i just couldn't stand still, anymore. nobody cares, not even one. i'm trying to breathe, very hard. i knew i'm not the only one whos facing such hard time. everyone does. but this time, at this particular jiffy, i'm completely collapsed.

i insist to grab the chance as tight as i could fearing that the chance would slip through again. i decided not to care about how others look at me, how others perceive this whole things. i couldn't tell how much remorse have consumed me. like thissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss much i bet. 

no rewind button, no restart button, no, just nothing. 

had another nightmare this morning. and as usual, the heavy eyelids opened at 6am sharp, yes, sharp. trying so hard to curl my lips up so that others wouldn't say a word 'emo'. i pray so hard that nightmare wouldn't consume me every night and yet it proved futile :(

watched despicable me 2. and i realised that, i couldn't laugh as loud as i wanted anymore. cause' there were lots of images playing in my head and my vision started to become so blur, so blur. i miss those days, truly miss. 

“If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world.” 

not broken, just bent

ohhh hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii :)

it has been so long, so long. sorry about that. i have been so emotional recently, very emotional. nehhhhhhhh. if you do follow me on insta, you would find me annoying, very annoying. trying to be strong, but at one point, i collapsed, totally collapsed.

i have nightmare almost every night. it keep repeating and i don't even need an alarm right now. the heavy eyelids would just open at 6am sharp. not trying to exaggerating, it's a fact instead.

there was a moment that i decided to shut myself down when i found out that theres nobody that i can trust that i can fully lean my head on her/his shoulder for as long as i wanted. just, nobody. others would have threw me the words like 'serve you right' and etc, yeah, whatever, screw you.

as i mentioned in my insta, i had made mistakes, a lot of mistakes which couldn't be erased, at all. people say, you would have done anything, anything to make the things right all over again. and i'm truly believe that...

we're not broken, just bent

have faith

conjuring up, everythings.

well, to be honest, i ain't jobless. i do have a part time job which makes me look like i'm lifeless, jobless, or perhaps, muddling along with the days. my job ain't easy, i have to literally swallow all the attitudes that barbarians threw on me. so please do me a favor, just zip your mouth and sit there quietly and watch me, would you?

i had missed things out, hadn't i? i guess, i'm not really good in typing out my expression into this page, anymore, not anymore. well, lets start with the day that i came back to kk after i had finished my course, 18th of Dec. i was supposed to get on the plane on 17th of Dec but due to the flight overbooked, a room for a night in pan pacific hotel was arranged for us and RM100/person was given as a compensation to us. we were like, hoorayyyyyy :D

 

so lets jump to the day that i had been waited for, christmas! i was really excited for the christmas eve, just the eve, not on the exact day. ahahahahah. so i hanged out with a few of friends of mine that were so close to me when i was only 17. 

yes, it's a were. cause' i guess, we're not as close as before, already. i thought we would have a lot of time to catch up but i guess i was wrong. i ain't put the blame on anyone, it's the distance and the time that faded the friendship away, nobody is putting the effort to maintain it, and i think i'm not doing great though. 

lets wipe out the sad part, i, did enjoy the night, like very enjoy. so, *merry christmas* everyone hehehehe

 ohhhh, and i had a haircut not long ago and you would have known that if you're following me in instagram @elitsm, or hmmm, facebook. i wanted to dye my hair in red, actually. but my hairstylist said it would make me look even older so i gave him a go ahead face to do whatever he likes. soooooo, it came up like this! 

 

do you like it? :) hehhehehe

oh oh, and a friend of mine that i met at sunway paid us a visit. i felt so bad that i didn't really bring her around to check out how cool my place is :) but i did have a whale of time with her and the man at the other night. 

 

anddddddd, if you're thinking of where to get superb delicious dimsum at kk, you must try them up at silk garden, sutera. its sooooooooooooooooooo droolinggggggggggggg.

 

i guess, my eyelids are giving me hint that they're going to close, very soon. let this lovely picture to melt your heart and have a good sleep, everyone xoxo

 

thinking too much.

i thought it's supposed to be, you know, easy.
seems like i was wrong, totally wrong.
i thought i could get over it.
wake up and forget about, everything, everything including how tough the life is.
i don't want to be, you know, incapable.
perching at the edge of the sofa, thinking too much.
the tears started to coarsened down the cheeks of mine.
and told myself that, i can get over it, cause' you know,
it's all inside my knack.
amen.