neutral.

it's difficult to tell my mood for today, it can be said to be neutral and yet it's more of like towards negative. in fact, there are thousands of hundreds of things which we, totally, could not control in our hands, including the thought of others. 

to be frank, in fact, i have used to link one thing to another thing, it's like a snowball, keep on rolling, rolling into an enormous snowball, until i could barely handle it. 

your one single word could afford to break my heart into pieces, your one single move could afford to make me have a doubt in you. nobody says it's easy to get involved into such a sweet-sour situation. sometimes, i show you the poker face of mine do not mean that i'm totally fine. i am just trying to adapt and trying so hard to get used to it. 

would you stop for a minute, no, for a second, just to think of my feeling if you're the one who are actually facing or handling the situation same as mine. 

nobody cares.

there are so many things that are so annoying keep on playing and playing as if the player is not functioning well. you knew that it's very tiring and even annoying for keep asking someone not to do so but he/she keep doing that. 

i have already done what i should have done k. at this moment, i realized, nobody actually cares about how hard you have worked on it to make sure it remains on the track. they will just keep doing it and took your words as a wind blew off. 

you will not know how hard is the job to keep the thing remains on track unless you're the one who are doing my job. you will only care or concern about it when you're actually doing it. you would have thought of other's difficulties or the consequences that are going to occur. so please stop being selfish and stubborn cause' it's very, very nasty. 

it is the time.

went to sushi zanmai with my little sister and my boy for dinner just now. and one topic could afford to make my mood swung. we were talked about our future in terms of study overseas. he told me that he always has a thought of going to uk. it's either go to study or to take some experiences. i stoned at that particular jiffy.

to be frank, i did think of going to uk and finish up the rest of the papers. yet, i've decided to call off the thought as i didn't want to add on the burden on my uncle. i think, it's the time for me, to, plan, for, my, future instead of muddling along. well, i'm not the person who will just simply change my thought because of somebody. if he decided to go, i will let him go. ohh, please don't get me wrong, i mean, waiting for him to come back will do :)

thank you.

no more fretful, no more trepidation, thank god.

yes, i mentioned before, my results were out and i passed all of the 3 papers. this time was different, i didn't put so much of expectation on my results and yet, still hoping for miracle. i prayed so hard in these few days just wanted to pray for miracle to transpire, and yes, god had answered me.

sometimes, it's good to push you, yourself to the extent that you couldn't go any further. sometimes, it's good to think of the worst situation that might happen so that you'll know what are you going to do next. sometimes, it's good to seek for the peak point and attempt to reach it, it doesn't matter if you fall, at least, you have tried.

as i said, i dislike to be the ordinary ones, so, now, i ain't giving up to reach the distance.
thank god <3

please listen to my heart.

i wish, i would still able to make those funny faces after tomorrow. god, do you hear me ? i knew, perhaps, it's too late to pray for miracle right now. yet, please listen to my heart as it's beating so fast. 

GIVE ME A PASS FOR EVERY PAPERS. 

lost.

in these few days, i keep asking myself, ' what am i doing now ? ' 
i feel like i'm on a boat heading to a invisible shore and yet i'm trying to get myself out of the fog. obviously, i'm lost, very lost. i used to attain my target very smoothly, but everything changed when i got here. i feel like i'm quite slacking for this semester, keep on struggling and struggling.

i started to feel like ' am i on the right path ' when i realized i couldn't get any better result for any tests or even exams. i did have the thought of giving up, but i just couldn't afford to make the decision by myself. to be frank, i'm the person who really couldn't afford to lose. i will get very upset for what i couldn't reach for and even refuse to talk to anyone when in such a terrible situation, yes, i did know that it isn't other's fault but me, myself.

sometimes, i pray very hard so that god will give me some clues to achieve the things that i wanted. now, i couldn't see any clues anymore. cause' i'm totally lost, completely lost. i need helpppppppppppppppppp.

normal day

as i signed into my fb account, it didn't take me long to notice that the statuses posted all were about valentines and even how they felt about valentine's day, sort of like, complaining about their valentines were not around to celebrate with them. bla bla bla. i ain't saying that it's wrong, just that, i personally think, c'mon, it's just a DAY. DAY. DAY.

we chose to celebrate with a bunch of friends as for us, every day is valentine's day. all of us headed to my house after taken our dinner at the garden. if u take my advice serious, it's better don't go to that place with a thought that it's going to be delicious.

anyway, proud to be his gf*

:)

' it's not our job to count how many days we're in love with each other, but the date counts '

and,

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY IN ADVANCE.

quit if can't read chinese.

空白，脑袋一片空白。
但在那一瞬间，许多画面一幅一幅的播放着，不晓得该如何诉说我的心情。
其实，他说得对，感情是两个人的事情，并不一定要画公仔画出墙。
但，女人的想法并不是如此。
女人需要有人能分担她们的感受，并不像男人那样一说一，二说二，不是吗？
我能明白之前你的所作所为，但是现在呢？
问题在哪？

我曾把你的网页相片一页一页的欣赏过，喜怒哀乐全聚齐。
我也把我和你的相片一页一页的欣赏过，但，不一样的是，它们都给藏起来了。
我在乎的并不是这，我在乎的是，现在，这个时刻，为什么我还得那样避忌着某某事情，某某人物。
想来，我都是那么的主动。
这一次，也不列外。我也很主动的作了一样要求。
但得来的却是，草草了事，马马虎虎，吊儿郎当的态度。
我，要的不多，我要的只是那种被人尊重的，重视的。

我，妒忌心，很强。但，我向来都控制得好好的。
也许，我还是个小孩，而你的世界却充满了现实感。
我要的真的不多，要的只是让人知道，你是属于我的。

nothing much.

skipped class today just because of woman's problem - menstruation pain. it's killing me slowly, very slowly. sighhh. 

valentine's day is coming soon and yet, i ain't going to expect that much, as i would have, sort of like, fallen into a endless well when there is a disappointment passing by. and this is our initial plan - have our dinner with a bunch of friends at The Garden.  to be honest, i don't mind to celebrate it with so many people instead of him. 

as he said, ' for me, every day is valentine's day, we don't need to be affected just because it's valentine's day, and this will make us look unnatural ' 

i don't need a bouquet of roses, a branded watch, an expensive necklace or whatsoever, though i've been asking so much from him, yet, this time is going to be different. i only need a high security lock and lock your heart with mine and will never be unlocked :))) nothing much. 

and result is coming out soon and my heart is beating faster and faster as the date is getting nearer and nearer. 

wish me luck *

 

timing isn't match, always.

when i wanted to talk, you tell me you want to play games. 

when i wanted to eat, you tell me you want to take a nap. 

when i wanted to sleep, you tell me you want to watch drama. 

when i wanted to go this direction, you tell me you want to go that direction. 

when i wanted to have chinese food, you tell me you want to have fast food. 

there is no matching concept in this thing, always. 

yet, i'm considered myself lucky cause' he will always try to follow my steps, but not every steps, only part of them. 

though timing isn't there to let us and match, we shall make it and match it, instead of, waiting for this thing to be matched. 

babies

i love babies, yet i'm not good in taking care of a baby, sort of like, you love maths and yet you're poor in calculation. in fact, future is full of uncertainty. nobody knows what's going to happen next, except you have the special ability that god gave you. 

when i looked into her eyes, my heart sank. as if she was telling me that please take her away and give her a better life, i assumed. when i looked into her mom's eyes, only one thought popped out - selfishness or irresponsibility. in reality, nobody will just help you to clean your shit for free when you're responsible to it.

i would love to have babies when i'm able to earn lots of moneys in the future and grow my babies up in a comfortable environment. the thing is, people changed, so do i. who knows, in the future, i might be a widow after-all. AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.  

sometimes, being naive isn't that bad.

he's not coming back and yet i'm still waiting. i didn't what to do except take out a book and study. however, it didn't take me long to stop studying cause' i couldn't focus on the words at all. so, i started to sign in facebook and viewed all of his photos. i found it fun, especially when the picture showed the ugliest face of him.

i viewed the photos of his which i haven't met him yet. he looked cute and pretty fair, and of course, thin. at that moment, i just realized, there were lots of changes on him, really big. sometimes, i'm too naive to have this thought, ' this might be the right man '. i've been giving too much hopes on this thing. a lot, sort of like reaching the final stage. 

i've been telling lies to myself that i'm actually okay with it. it is so obvious that, i am not. i just couldn't pretend that i'm blind or even deaf when something bad or something even worse hit me out of the sudden. i'm too naive to have this thought again, ' this might be the different ones '. i've been putting a lot of affords to run away from this issue. 

' this might be the right man '

' this might be the different ones '

it's true, sometimes, being naive isn't that bad. cause' it leads me to right path. this is the right ones cause' he has been putting lots of afford to maintain this thing as well, he ain't going to say, ' let us give this thing up ' . this might be the different ones cause' he did it for me, the confession he made, just for me. 

it's a warmless night.

just a call could afford to change everything. the expressions of sadness, fretfulness, glumness were all swept though my entire frame. i knew, it doesn't really matter to others, but for me, it does as i've been trying so hard to maintain this thing. it isn't an easy job for me just to let it go like everyone asking to do so.

i was trying to control my emotion, but it proved futile. the tears just coarsened down my cheek in a sudden. sometimes, a drop of tear doesn't mean coward, weak, or just trying to be pity in front of people, it could be, worry about a person you cared, isn't it ?

meanwhile, i was pretty ecstatic cause' of the confession he made. there is always a lie beneath a truth, isn't it ? yes, i lied too, i lie too, i'm going to lie too. sometimes, people need a white lie too, and it actually works, right ? sometimes, i did say that i don't even care about how others perceive me. but the truth is telling me that i was wrong. i really do care about it, sometimes, especially those people who are directly affect my life.

though it's a warmless night, i'm going to make it warm and sleep tight, very tight. who says there is no tomorrow for me ? there is. so, goodnight.

all immature thoughts.

as i said, i'm an very aggressive person. i just couldn't stand anything which i wasn't expected to take place. there is always an immature thought inside my mind whenever i get mad. i will just jumble everything up and it becomes the biggest issue ever. trust me, sometimes, i can be sentimental, very sentimental till the level it became uncontrollable. 

today, 1st of feb. there were 2 things that really pissed me off, indeed. i ain't going to tell the details of it cause' i didn't want you to find my words harsh. sometimes, everyone has their immature thoughts once in a while, please don't tell me that you don't, cause' i knew you're just a liar. 

i used to show my sour face ages ago whenever i get pissed. now, it's completely different. i attempted to stay cool and calm. not to utter or even spit out any words cause' i knew, once i speak, there'll be another broken heart. if you're aware of my earlier post, i did mention that i'm an evilly person, quite. 

the incidents : 

i would have thought of, what if, i stopped the motorcyclist who knocked down the side mirror of the car by throwing any heavy thing to his head and he falls down and i get a baseball bat and keep hitting him on his face until he says sorry. i knew, it sounds horrible. but i really did have this immature thought at that particular jiffy.

i could be very lethargy when i wanted to talk to someone so desperately but nobody is there for me. i mean, those i chose to talk with. and again, an immature thought popped out. i was thinking about, what's the position am i placing in their heart. i always be there when they need me, however, it doesn't happen to me. and at that moment, i told myself, forget about it and don't even give them a shit. 

after i have calmed myself down, i realized, i am not mature enough yet i'm turning 20 soon. the good thing is, it will always have a mature thought after an immature thought had gone. i felt guilty, sorry and even funny. why on earth am i get so sensitive and so depress for everything. i keep asking myself, how many years of life are waiting for everyone to get over it, obviously, not much. and hence, here's my apology. sorry.